Hasmik asks me to picture for a moment not having anything, nighttime, rain, sun, afternoon, wind, cold and walk the streets during those seasons with the thought that you have nowhere to go.
You haven’t come out of anywhere and there’s nowhere you have to go. You’re in a reality that doesn’t change for years.
“You are always afraid as long as your status hasn’t changed. You are really tense and fear that sooner or later, you will pick up your bags and find yourself on the streets; in the reality, which is far from reality. As long as I am homeless, that state of mind is killing me. I need to get my mind off of things,” says Hasmik, who is a sophomore and has already faced many hardships in life at a young age.
Hasmik lives with her mother in a semi-basement room, which she rented for 17,000 AMD. The landlord is forcing them to move out because she wasn’t able to pay the rent. She came to see me at the newspaper edition most probably because she was ashamed of inviting me to her house.
“There are only weak or extremely strong people left in Gyumri today. There’s no life; it seems as though life ended after the earthquake. You go to Gyumri each time with the hope to see a miracle happen and have Gyumri back on its feet, but alas, you get disappointed again. People are extremely depressed,” says Hasmik, whose childhood ended with the earthquake and who spent her teenage years having nightmares and going from here to there.
She doesn’t remember much about her childhood; so many terrible things happened during the earthquake that the good memories were left behind. The people of the Gyumri that went through a devastating earthquake were able to face the hardships together by sharing the pain with each other. As for 26-year old Hasmik, her life was even worse than the aftermath of the earthquake. She says that she can’t really remember where she was born because the shack they used to live in before the earthquake was no longer a house. But they didn’t move out of that shack because they had no alternative.
Hasmik’s father abandoned his wife and daughter. Her mother fell from the third floor of the building during the earthquake, got a hemorrhage, went through many operations and currently lives on anti-stress drugs.
“Only the residents of the earthquake zone know the stress we lived through, the nervous breakdowns, that stage of our lives…After the earthquake, we started living in different places-Jermuk, I don’t know where, we were homeless for a while and we wandered almost everywhere. We came back to Gyumri-a broken-down city, darkness, terrifying and settled down in a shack provided for us,” says Hasmik, who graduated from school and moved to Yerevan with her mother after seeing that it was impossible to live in that shack.
Talks about books all the time
Eighteen years have passed since the earthquake, but Hasmik and her mother have lost hope that they will have a place to call home. Hasmik doesn’t believe that they will get a house in the earthquake zone, but she wants to believe that, otherwise she will be desperate. Hasmik’s mother is unemployed due to health problems. Young Hasmik is forced to work, study, earn a living and take care of her mother. The people who know Hasmik know about the hardships she faces.
“I started looking for a job so that we can earn a living and rent a house. I worked everywhere-I did hard jobs, I worked at a taxi service and an Internet club. I didn’t sleep for nights, but I decided that whatever happens, I have to get a good education,” says Hasmik who currently studies at the Atcharyan university.
Some individual benefactors help her out with paying the tuition. Hasmik lost her job while studying for exams because she wasn’t able to do two things at once. She is currently in a state of uncertainty because the landlord is kicking her and her mother out. Hasmik’s professors are very proud of her and think that if there were many disciplined and strong young people like her in Armenia, then there would be a better Armenian society and generation.
“I don’t know how to describe that beautiful girl. I really feel sorry for what she’s going through what with finances and the family’s bad situation. Hasmik has faced so many hardships, but she never lets anyone feel sorry for her and stays tough,” says one of the professors of the Atcharyan university.
Hasmik has difficulty when talking about her problems, but you can talk with her about books all you want. She circumvents questions about her life in general and changes the subject. Hasmik and her mother will find themselves on the streets if they don’t pay the 17,000 AMD rent.
“I don’t want to lose hope that they won’t provide us with a home. I want to have a little faith. It’s hard psychologically for a young girl like me. There is a huge burden on my shoulders and I have a big responsibility. I am an only child and I have to take care of my mother…I consider myself a soldier; life taught me to be that way. I’m standing on my own two feet,” assures Hasmik and doesn’t want her peers to see the life she has seen. She says that the good life and the loss of the feeling of having a burden on your shoulders has made youth become more liberal and Hasmik misses that.
“I am ready to handle anything that comes my way. Despite everything, it’s a good thing when you are ready to handle any situation. The only difficult thing is the road,” she says and adds that the only thing bothering her is not having enough time to read books due to her busy schedule.
“I have many plans for the future, especially for my profession. However, I don’t know for sure whether or not I will reach my goals. I try not to get ahead of myself, not to dream so that I won’t be surprised or get disappointed. I know what may happen and what may not happen. I have nothing to lose,” says Hasmik. If they force her out of her house…She is ready to do any kind of job.
“I tried to work in a European clothing store, but they didn’t accept me. They said that I was a great person but I couldn’t work as a store clerk. They can advertise and sell clothes, but I just don’t have it in me to tell the person that the clothes fit him even if it doesn’t…”
Hasmik broke-down and gave me more details as we talked.
“Life is hard. For example, when I ask for a job, the employers don’t look at me as a professional and a human being. They look at me as simply a woman. You must have money, power or someone to speak on behalf of you in order to find a job; someone who will say good things about you. When you are alone, they may offend and even humiliate you. They don’t make offensive remarks out loud, but they do hint and I simply walk away in order to not hurt each other,” says Hasmik who suffers a lot because of her mother but doesn’t show it.