During wartime, Ruben Saghatelyan used to call his team the FPC.
When people ask him what does the abbreviation stand for, he says that
it means Fresh Produce for the City. However, everyone knows that that
is an insult to Turks. Ruben Saghatelyan has a couple of nicknames,
such as Arunk Petrovich (his name in Odessa), and “Krasavchik Rubo” in
Yerevan.
“168 hours”: “Why is it that very few people know you as a land defender?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “The people who know me, know me. I have never
really taken any desperate measures in making everyone know who I am,
or show that I have fought and participated in the battles. I was the
first one to go to war, I have gathered my army of men when the
movement had just started. The war had not even ended when an army was
formed and I was told that the Fedayins had to stay on one side. Vazgen
Sargsyan told me that I was to be a military police officer in the
region. At the time, I did not know what that was. I asked him what I
had to do, and he said that I had to disarm everyone from my army. I
told him that I could not do that, that I could not have the Armenian
men stand in one line and order them to disarm. I just could not do
that. I knew how those men had gotten their weapons.”
“168 hours”: “Don’t you think that that was a right decision?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “I have had a weapon with me ever since I was a
little boy. I have always loved carrying a weapon. It depends on who
has the weapon. There are people who keep weapons until the day that
they die but never use it in rough times. If a criminal needs a weapon,
he will find the most powerful weapon in a week. What would happen if I
told the men to disarm? Perhaps they were right, but my character was
not like that.”
“168 hours”: “What do you think about today’s land defenders?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “All I have is a small booklet about land defenders.
I can not say that all land defenders have defended our nation and are
dedicated to the people. I look at many of them and see that they have
everything. I think to myself: maybe I was the fool for not looking at
everything through their eyes, maybe they were right. They knew that
this day would come and that is why they were taking the steps needed
to be taken. There are people who have acquired all of this with acting
it all out and showing themselves. About 60-70% of land defenders are
like that. The land defenders of today who are officials today have got
there by showing themselves off. But when you go back and remember how
scared they were during the war, you get surprised.”
“168 hours”: “Nowadays, many land defenders have many businesses. How come you don’t have any?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “Until this day, there are people who ask me why I
did not do what the others did. I did not have their mentality. If I
fought for my people, myself and my children, how could I go and tell
them to give me compensation with Loyalty. I was even ashamed of
approaching Vazgen and telling him that I was not able to raise my
children, etc. despite the fact that I have always worked in different
offices and my children have lived pretty well. If there is a fight
today, I will go. I have not fought for neither Levon Ter-Petrosyan,
nor Kocharyan nor Vazgen. I have fought for my people’s honor, for my
people’s dignity, my son, my daughter and my mother. If I hear one shot
being fired, my heart will stop beating. I will get up and go to war.
Right now, if I find out that there is war going on somewhere and if I
don’t go, I will die of a heart attack. Others will tell me that I was
dumb to go, but you know….
My parents have never forbidden me to go and fight. They were afraid,
but never forbade me. There were men who we took to the frontier by
force and we were scared that they might not make it. If anything
happened to one of the men of our region, I was going to be the one
responsible because I was the person in charge. If someone got hurt, I
would never be able to go there again. The whole nation would blame me
and say that I took their children and killed them. I was taking risky
steps at that time.”
“168 hours”: “Have you been a prisoner sentenced to death?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “Vazgen Sargsyan did not let me.. We arrived from
Yeghegnadzor early in the morning and everyone was there. Vazgen was on
stage already and when he saw me, he made a little hand sign and I
understood that I had to go. We were 12 men. It is even shown in the
famous picture. Vazgen and I were debating. He was asking who had
permitted me to leave the border and come there. He told me that I
could not just leave the border and come here to become one of those
prisoners.”
“168 hours”: “Is it true that you met Visotski in Odessa?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “I not only met him, but he was also my friend. I
have lived in Odessa for 10 years. I met him in the “Yubileyn”
restaurant by accident. He had played in a film in the role of a police
officer against thieves. The criminals of Odessa were against him-not
publicly, but rather secretly. They considered him a bad man. I did not
let them touch Visotski. My father was an actor and I could not find
the right words to explain to those people that Visotski was just
acting, that he is an actor and he has nothing to do with the criminal
world. I was “helping” Visotski out. I used to stand by his side. At
the time, I was respected in Odessa.”
“168 hours”: “I know that you write poems. Were you inspired by Visotski or did you start writing earlier on?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “I do not write poems. They are just comics.”
“168 hours”: “Do you have lands on the moon?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “I do, but not to take. I go to the moon many, many
times. My neighbor is Zhirinovski. Boxer Mike Tyson is also my
neighbor. There were a few neighbors who came to get lands. Then the
situation got serious, they disagreed, but then came back. I did not
let them.”
“168 hours”: “You?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “Yes.”
“168 hours”: “Weren’t the lands in Armenia enough for you to go all the way to the moon?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “I did not take any lands in Armenia, but the lands
on the moon are mine. As soon as darkness falls, I will show you my
lands. You can see them at the edge of the canyon. The lands on the
right side are mine. The only thing is that nothing grows. Whatever I
planted does not grow. The only thing that grows are strawberries. You
have probably seen it at the markets.”
“168 hours”: “How do you decide who has the right to have lands on the moon?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “Each government of all republics calls me. I got
those lands from Boris Yeltsin. I have very close ties with Boris
Yeltsin. He thought about what he could do for me since nobody in
Armenia could not do anything good. He asked me if I wanted any piece
of land in Armenia. I said that I wanted lands on the moon. He told me
to show him which one and that the lands on the right side are mine. I
went and suffered cultivating those lands. I suffered a lot, but got no
results. I planted potato seeds, they grew, but they were not that
good.”
“168 hours”: “Maybe it did not taste that good.”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “Yes, it was not tasty. Alla Pugachova came and bought a villa next to mine.”
“168 hours”: “If I want to buy some land, what do I have to do?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “Just ask me. I helped Tyson become mayor of the
moon. Now I have to have talks with Tyson so that he can give you some
lands.”
“168 hours”: “What do I have to present?”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “Four 3×4 photographs, a doctor’s note stating that
you are not a psychopath or an alcoholic, a note about your family from
the district chief, a note from the Internal Affairs Department stating
that you have not been condemned or anything.”
“168 hours”: “But, as far as I know, you are condemned of a crime.”
Ruben Saghatelyan: “I have been in jail, sitting just like this. Oh,
and don’t forget your passport. Nowadays, everyone comes to buy lands.
Do you think I am kidding? I am serious. Would you like me to bring
photos and show you what people have done there? I even have a video
tape of me and Tyson. Some friends of mine had come from Jupiter and
Mars and they had some projects. I did not let them do anything.
Jupiter and Mars’s boys went at each other. I told them to stop,
reconciled them and now they are living happily. There are men from
Jupiter and Mars on the moon, not only Earth. I have an elephant, nice
snakes, a rabbit that eats snakes and a monkey in my home in Yerevan.
Help me with some food so I can keep those animals. I order special
food from India. My children had made the elephant angry and it had
turned around and swallowed the 35 kilogram ÉáÙ It was almost dying
when my grandpa from Sweden sent me a special liquid. I let it drink
with some “Bjni”, the elephant drank that and the pain went away. The
monkey had eaten a peach with a seed. He was in pain so we took away
the pain with some narcotics and saved its life.”
Vladimir Ilich Lenin
1917. Hard years.
Vladimir Ilich Lenin sitting in his office
Cutting his toenails.
Orjonikidza entered the room and said:
Vladimir Ilich Lenin, we found a woman on the street,
With a bottle of “Samagon” in her hand.
We await our commands.
Lenin thought long and answered:
Let the woman go and take the bottle from her.
Anna Karenina, heat the stewed meat.
Gardener
You are wandering around in the middle
Of the clouds and you don’t look down,
You stupid gardener.
Locksmith
You are the hope of our factory,
You fill our factory with light,
You are the sun in our factory,
The sun, the moon,
I want to come and get on top of your shoulders.